


Distraction

by jadeswallow



Category: Arashi (Band)
Genre: Angst with a Happy Ending, M/M, Male Slash, Romance
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-06-20
Updated: 2015-06-20
Packaged: 2018-04-05 05:44:23
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 8,021
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4168116
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/jadeswallow/pseuds/jadeswallow
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Sho was a music producer, Nino was his artist, and Jun was a model. They met, they fell in love, but Sho had to choose. Will he choose the one he needed the most or the one which he couldn’t stop thinking about?</p>
            </blockquote>





	Distraction

**Author's Note:**

> Minor coarse language, exaggerated talent of a certain character, sugar-coated romance, Sho reciting his confession, and someone’s heart will be broken. AU.  
> Originally posted [HERE](http://swallowords.livejournal.com/1307.html).

There was something special about Ninomiya Kazunari, Sakurai Sho was certain about that. There was nothing out of the ordinary from the way he looked or the way he spoke or the way he dressed – but still, Sho found himself unable to stop staring at those brown eyes who always looked curiously at him ever since they first met.  
  
Sho wondered what the reason was. Perhaps it’s because he seemed to hide hundreds of secrets beneath his carefree behavior. Perhaps it’s because of his childish chuckles and the way he covered his mouth when he laughed. Perhaps it’s because his over-friendly behavior and the way he had persisted on calling him Sho-chan despite the fact that they had only met not too long ago. Perhaps all of those reasons were right. Whatever the answer truly was, Sho ended up not able to stop thinking about Ninomiya.  
  
Sho’s first meeting with Ninomiya – or Nino, as he had insisted on being called – happened because his friend Ohno Satoshi had introduced them. Ohno had talked excitedly on the phone about the raw talent he had just found and how Sho really needed to meet that person. Sho remembered how he had laughed when he'd heard Ohno’s eager promotion, asking his friend if this Ninomiya person was really that good. Given that he had been a music producer for several years, Sho thought he had seen every kind of talent. Most of the time they only thought they were talented when, in fact, their so-called talent couldn’t be sold at all, but in rare opportunities there were some that were actually talented. When the latter happened, Sho would lend them a hand, help them record their songs and teach them how to show their music to the world, while making some profits for himself. However, it was not easy to find such talent. Despite his doubts, Ohno had been his friend for a long time, and Sho trusted his judgment, so he made a space in his tight schedule to arrange their meeting.  
  
Nino was an orphan. He had moved out from the orphanage as soon as he had left high school, and earned a living by moving from one part-time job to the other, keeping music as his hobby and performing in cafes whenever he had the time. That was how Ohno met him.  
  
As soon as Sho laid eyes on him, he knew Nino was different. He didn’t really stand out amongst the crowd; he seemed to almost blend in with his environment instead – a tiny flicker almost forgotten amongst the surrounding city lights. Yet at the same time, there was something in him which pulled people in, as if he was waiting for the right moment to spark. Nino was like an enigmatic magnet, and Sho felt attracted to him against his will, even before he had heard Nino sing.  
  
When they had gone back to his studio and he had finally heard Nino performed his songs, he had to admit that Ohno was right. Nino had a raw talent rarely found in other people. There was something fragile in his voice, in his lyrics, yet at the same time it was the factor which would make people stop and listen to him sing. Sho immediately persuaded Nino to sign a contract, and Nino – despite being quite astonished on how ecstatic he and Ohno were – agreed to sign it. It was amazing that despite having such big talent, Nino was not ambitious at all. For him, life was satisfying as long as he had a place to sleep, a guitar, and a box of magic cards beside him.  
  
Sho had never met anyone else like Nino. He was friendly, yet he was mysterious. He was talkative, yet he was secretive. He was proud, yet he was shy. He wanted freedom, yet he longed for company. Nino was full of contradictions. Every time Sho tried to understand him better, Nino would change the topic, so Sho stopped trying and just learned to appreciate his companionship. Nino would sing his last song and he would give his honest opinions. Nino would entertain him with surprisingly skillful magic tricks and street jokes, and Sho would laugh whole-heartedly. Sho enjoyed their time together and he couldn’t wait for the next time they would see each other again.  
  
All of these feeling could've been a good thing, except that it was wrong. It was wrong...because Sho already had Jun.  
  
  
  
  
  
  
Sho first met Matsumoto Jun three years and eight months ago. Jun was one of the most in-demand young models, and Sho had to gone through several difficulties to book him for one of his artist’s promotional videos. He had to wait 2.5 months because of Jun’s busy schedule, but Sho never regretted it since it was worth it.  
  
When he saw Jun, he soon realized why Jun was so popular in spite of his young age. It was not only thanks to his handsome features, which made girls afraid to look directly at him, but it was also because the way he intensely stared at the camera; it almost felt like he could literally grab the hearts of his viewers. Nevertheless, the most important reason why he was able to be in his position now was because he had admirable discipline and work ethic.  
  
Having been working hard all their lives, both of them immediately found similarities with each other. Sho admired Jun’s professionalism, and he was surprised to find him very easy to talk with. He discovered that Jun was not just about looks but had unlimited knowledge and interest about social, political, and educational problems as well. They would spend hours discussing many things together, and Sho felt he fit in with Jun in a way he had never felt with anyone else before, and amazingly enough, Jun was also interested in him.  
  
One night of drinking together soon followed another night, then another night, and on the sixth night, Jun kissed him. Sho was stunned at first, and Jun was about to say sorry when Sho smiled and reached his hand, squeezing it, assured him that it was okay to proceed, that he shared the same feeling. Jun was insistent and needy – just the way Sho had predicted him to be – as he claimed Sho’s mouth, and Sho kissed him back with the same passion. Jun smelled of cigarettes and beer, and they were a little drunk, but he knew this was what he wanted. It felt right, being with Jun. They went back to his apartment that night and were together ever since.  
  
When he knew Jun better, Sho noticed how Jun tried hard to look cool but he was actually lonely inside. That’s why Sho was pleased when Jun started to open up himself more and show his weak side only to him. He was relieved that Jun also needed him, because Sho needed Jun. For him, Jun was not just a lover; he was also his best friend and his business advisor. Jun would give advice when he had problems with his company and his artists, scold him when he worked too hard, and took care of him when he was sick. Before he met Jun, he was too absorbed in his work, trying to prove himself to the world, but with Jun beside him, he realized how good it was to have someone to share his life with.  
  
After they were together for a year, Jun asked him – cautiously, like he handled almost everything – whether or not he wanted to move in with him. Sho knew that Jun felt lonely but wouldn’t admit it, so he said nothing but bought the apartment next to Jun’s straight away. Since they were both busy and didn’t want to disturb each other’s lives too much, both of them still lived in their own apartments. The only difference was that they added a door to connect the two apartments together so they could move from one to the other more freely. With this kind of setting, they wouldn’t have to answer neighbors’, acquaintances’, or relatives’ curious questions. Furthermore, Sho could sink himself into his work without disturbing Jun, and Jun could come home late after shooting without having to wake Sho up. Sometimes they slept in Jun’s room, sometimes they slept in Sho’s room, and sometimes they slept in their own rooms. Of course, they both knew the real reason was because they were still afraid of commitment, of the idea of settling down.  
  
They didn’t show too much affection in public, but Sho enjoyed nights when neither of them were too busy, so they could watch television together – which most of the time ended with them making out or sex on the couch. But sex was not the point here; it was the fact that they were together which calmed him the most. Life was good, that’s what Sho always thought; certainly not perfect, but it was good, if not slightly monotonous. Then one day Nino came along and Sho’s feelings were sidetracked.  
  
  
  
  
  
  
“Hey, Sho-chan...”  
  
“Sho-chan...”  
  
Sho jerked awake as he heard the voice calling his name.  
  
“What do you think of this new song?”  
  
Sho blinked several times, trying to make his brain function properly again. That’s right. He was in his office studio with Nino, listening to the new song for his debut CD. Sho shook his head. How could he let his mind wander elsewhere when he was at work? That was unacceptable.  
  
Nino chuckled, “What’s the matter, Sho-chan? Daydreaming?” His laughter sounded like a tinkling bell in Sho’s ears. He lifted his head up, looking at the man in front of him, who looked amused when he saw his expression. The same man who had been haunting his mind lately.  
  
“You look strange.” Nino touched his chin; his eyes squinted as if he was examining him. He put down his guitar and moved from his armchair, squeezing himself into a space next to Sho on the couch. “You know what you need? A vacation.”  
  
Sho was not really listening to him. He kept staring at Nino’s lips instead, observing the way they opened and closed. Nino continued to speak, “Business-minded people like you really don’t know how to have fun. All you guys do is work, work, and work. Where’s the fun in that? You should enjoy life more!” Nino moved his hands animatedly to stress his opinions. When he noticed that Sho wasn’t paying attention to what he was saying, he turned around and looked at him, confused. “Sho-chan?”  
  
Sho panicked. What if his thoughts were clearly printed on his face? He tried to shield his face from Nino’s eyes by pretending to massage his temple. Nino laughed upon seeing his reaction. “You know what else you need?” He moved closer to Sho and smirked mischievously.  
  
“W-what?”  
  
“Sex. Good sex which will make you stop fantasizing in the middle of the day.” Nino lowered his voice.  
  
Sho gulped. Did Nino say those words as a joke or to seduce him? His gaze shifted to Nino’s neck and down to his collarbones, an action which didn’t escape Nino’s observant eyes. He smiled but didn’t look away; instead he leaned forward and kissed Sho’s cheek. Sho was shocked; he looked at Nino’s eyes. If eyes could twinkle, he would swear that Nino’s eyes looked as if they were.  
  
“Sho-chan, you’re so cute when your mouth opens like that,” he said cheerfully before kissing Sho again, on his lips this time. Sho hesitantly kissed him back. They went slow at first, just slightly brushing their lips together, trying to find a rhythm, then Nino parted his lips slightly, and Sho took the initiative to deepen the kiss.  
  
  
  
  
  
  
Sho loosened his tie and threw himself onto his bed. He couldn’t believe what had just happened. His fingers went to his lips, tracing them; he could still feel Nino’s lips against his. Sho sighed as he thought of Jun. Jun. What should he say to him? He had cheated on him. Sho remembered the kiss again. Unlike Jun who was usually demanding, embracing him as if he was afraid of losing him, Nino was very generous. He let Sho take what he wanted and returned it with the same enthusiasm. Sho groaned. It had been a while since he had kissed anyone but Jun. He crossed his arm over his eyes, blocking the light from the lamps in the ceiling.  
  
“I’m home.”  
  
Sho quickly removed his arm and opened his eyes. Jun was leaning against the door frame; he looked dead tired.  
  
Jun threw himself next to Sho, burying his face in a pillow. “The shooting didn’t go well, I had to repeat my part over and over again, and it was fucking hot out there.”  
  
“Jun...” Sho whispered. Why did Jun choose to sleep here today when he was feeling miserable? They hadn’t sleep in the same bed for a few days, due to their busy activities.  
  
“Mmm?”  
  
Sho couldn’t bring himself to say it, that he had just kissed someone else behind his back. Not now at least. Or perhaps he never would. Did people who cheat usually admit their sin to their partners? “Nothing,” he stroked Jun’s thick black hair instead. “At least, go take a bath first.”  
  
“...You also haven’t taken a bath.” That’s true. Sho didn’t usually lay in bed before he cleaned himself, but that night he had many other important things on his mind beside the cleanliness of his bed sheet.  
  
“Have you eaten yet?”  
  
“Mmm...” Jun slightly nodded.  
  
“Just change your clothes then. Come on.” He pulled one of Jun’s arms, trying to lift him up from the bed, but Jun refused and his arm fell back to the bed.  
  
“Too tired to stand up.”  
  
Sho sighed. Jun looked exhausted indeed. He took off his tie and stood up; turning the lamp off before he laid beside Jun, pulling the blanket to cover their bodies. He leaned forward as he kissed the back of Jun’s head, and whispered, “Good night.”  
  
“Night...” Jun mumbled.  
  
Sho rested his head on the bed and tried to get some sleep. One of his hands touched Jun’s, the smell of sweat mixed with expensive perfume he had known so well added with Jun’s steady breaths lulling him to sleep.  
  
  
  
  
  
  
When Sho woke up the following morning, Jun was already gone. It looked like his schedule was so tight lately he barely got enough sleep. When was the last time they had spent time together? Sho couldn’t even remember. They were like casual roommates now, only bumping into each other before work and sleep. Sho shoved that thought aside as he sat up, then his eyes noticed a box of local sweets from the prefecture Jun had gone to yesterday put on his bedside table, along with a note stuck to it.

  
_Morning, I forgot to give this to you last night.  
Love, Jun._  


  
No matter how busy he was, Jun had never forgotten to buy him presents every time he saw something suitable to Sho’s taste, and he was the only one who didn’t laugh when he first knew about Sho’s fondness of sweet foods. Sho felt the familiar guilty feeling building inside his stomach. He crushed the note and threw it into the dustbin.  
  
  
  
  
  
  
Nino was jumping up and down the stairs in front of the studio when Sho arrived. “You’re late,” he said cheerfully.  
  
“Sorry, I had other jobs to take care of,” Sho mumbled his excuse as he took out his keys, inserted two wrong keys into the keyhole before he finally got it right. He could sense Nino eyeing him curiously behind his back as he opened the door.  
  
Nino stepped inside and took off his jacket. “It’s okay, I don’t have anything better to do anyway.” He looked more cheerful than usual, cheeks slightly red after his jumping, and perhaps because of some other reason Sho tried not to think about.  
  
Sho removed his jacket as well and hung both jackets on a hanger; he avoided looking in Nino’s direction. He was nervous to see Nino again, and Nino seemed to notice that. He smirked but he said nothing, taking out his guitar from its case instead. “So, shall I show you my new song now? Since you didn’t listen to it properly last night, right? Before we...” He left the sentence hanging.  
  
Sho bit his lip when he heard those words, his face turned a little bit red. Judging from Nino’s character, he should have known he wouldn’t waste an opportunity to mock him. Nino looked at Sho’s expression and giggled. Sho was annoyed at the fact that Nino enjoyed seeing him embarrass himself. He coughed, trying to change the topic. “Let’s get started, shall we?”  
  
Nino nodded and obediently took a seat in the armchair like he did yesterday, while Sho followed by sitting in the couch across him. Nino strummed his guitar and started singing. His voice echoed throughout the room.  
  
  


_I wonder why I am the only one who can see  
How dirty your fingers are  
So please don’t caress me like that  
With those dirty fingers  
You’re off in another world  
Satisfying only yourself  
So how can you love me  
While making a face like you know nothing?  
Yet again today  
Your ‘I love you’ is reeling  
Because...  
Look, I can see the lie at the nape of your neck_

  
  
Sho’s heart was beating faster as he listened to the lyrics; it was almost as if the lyrics were especially made for him, accusing him, stabbing him right where he felt most guilty. “Stop!” he shouted, louder than he was supposed to.  
  
Nino stopped singing. He looked surprised, as he had the right to be, Sho thought glumly. “Sho-chan?”  
  
Sho shook his head, “I...I’m sorry. I just...” He buried his face in his hands. Nino must have thought he was insane, suddenly yelling like that. Nino put his guitar down and kneeled on the floor beside him, touching his hand gently. “Are you alright?”  
  
Sho removed his hand and his eyes met Nino’s worried face. Nino’s brow furrowed and there was sincerity in his eyes as he asked him, “Are you okay, Sho-chan? Are you feeling sick? You have been acting weird since yesterday.” He pressed one of his hands against Sho’s forehead; his other hand touched his own forehead. “Hmm...you don’t seem to have a fever.” Nino pouted his lips like he usually did when he was trying to solve something, and Sho couldn’t help but think it was adorable.  
  
Before he realized what he was doing, he had grabbed Nino’s arm, pulling him closer, and kissed him. Nino pulled his head back and laughed. “Oh, so it was just a gimmick? Or do you always think that much every time you want to kiss someone?”  
  
“No.” Only when I cheated, he silently added.  
  
Nino seemed to be satisfied with that answer. He jumped and sat on the couch, leaning closer while Sho cupped his face and brought their lips together. Nino ran his tongue across Sho’s bottom lip and Sho sighed, granting him access. When they broke apart, Sho asked himself if this was what betrayal tasted like.  
  
  
  
  
  
  
“Sho-kun?”  
  
Sho looked up and saw Ohno standing beside his table. Sho cursed. This was their favorite bar, after all. Of course there was a big chance that he might bump into Ohno. Or perhaps he was actually waiting for Ohno to find him, he didn’t know anymore. He waved his hand over the chair next to him and Ohno sat. “What happened? You look awful.”  
  
Sho smiled a little and took another sip of his beer. So much like Ohno, straightforward as usual. After sending Nino home by lying to him that he had a meeting with his other artists, Sho had been at the bar for an hour, too afraid to go home and meet Jun, scared that if he stayed long enough with him in the same room, his dirty little secret would be revealed. Sho took a quick glance at Ohno. His friend just stayed silent. He had known Sho long enough to know that Sho was not the type who would go drinking alone without reason. Still, Ohno wouldn’t force him to say what his problem was. He just sat beside him, accompanied him; waiting for him to spill out his troubles.  
  
Sho slowly drank his beer – it was his fifth, probably, or more, Sho couldn’t remember – his fingers circling the edge of the glass. He knew he must have looked miserable. Ten minutes passed and Ohno was still sitting there, slightly humming, waiting for Sho to tell him what had been on his mind. Sho knew Ohno wouldn’t leave before he spoke, so he gathered up his courage and asked, “Have you ever felt bored with your life?”  
  
Ohno tilted his head to the left a bit; looking puzzled with that question, but didn’t say anything. Sho took the silence as a hint to carry on, waving the hand which held his glass around. “You know, when everything is perfect but you can’t help to feel that something is missing?”  
  
Ohno blinked. Sho sighed. Well, it was Ohno, after all. Ohno was always calm, and he lived his life at his own pace, he had never shown any sign of dissatisfaction with his life. He certainly wouldn’t understand Sho’s feelings at that moment. “I know I should be grateful... I pretty much have everything.”  
  
“Is this about Jun?” Ohno asked. His round face showed that he was genuinely concerned. Sho massaged his temple with his free hand. “Did you guys have a fight?”  
  
“No!” Sho shouted desperately. Several people sitting near them turned their heads at Sho’s direction. “There’s nothing wrong with Jun! That’s the problem!”  
  
“Sho-kun...”  
  
Sho shook his head. “I’m sorry. I shouldn’t raise my voice like that... Just forget it!” He chuckled, but somehow it came out as forced, even to his ears.  
  
Ohno looked back at him and carefully patted his arm, trying to grab his attention. “I don’t know what has happened, Sho, but I know one thing for sure,” he pointed his finger at Sho. “You have never looked horrible like this ever since you met Jun.”  
  
Sho gulped.  
  
  
  
  
  
  
“I’m home,” Sho said as he swung the door open.  
  
“Welcome home.” Jun raised his hand which was holding a remote control. He was lying on the couch in front of the television, watching a fashion show; perhaps Paris Fashion Week or something; Sho didn’t know much about fashion.  
  
He took off his coat and put his keys on the kitchen countertop. He was feeling dizzy. Why did Jun hang around his apartment so much lately, when he least expected him to? Jun rose up to walk towards him and Sho unconsciously moved back, not sure of how to act near him, afraid that Jun might detect his secret. Jun sniffed, “You’ve been drinking.” It was a statement, not a question.  
  
“Yes.” Sho replied with one word, unable to say more, afraid that if he opened his mouth longer, he would spill out everything.  
  
“With who?”  
  
“Ohno-san.” Well, he wasn't exactly lying, was he?  
  
“Well...” Jun opened the cabinet, took out a glass, and poured water into it. “For now, just drink water, although it seems you didn’t drink enough to be drunk.”  
  
Sho nodded. After hearing what Ohno had said, he couldn’t drink anymore.  
  
“I made spaghetti,” Jun said as he opened the saucepan’s lid on the stove. “I thought we could eat together because I came home early tonight, but it turns out you went drinking with Ohno-san. I’ll heat it up for you, okay?”  
  
“Jun... I...”  
  
Jun turned on the stove. “You need to eat. You look out of your mind lately, which means you need more energy to stimulate your brain, and for that, you need food.” Sho had almost forgotten that Jun was a health freak. He took a plate out of the cabinet while Jun took the spaghetti from the refrigerator. “Hey, how’s Ohno-san doing?”  
  
“Fine,” Sho mumbled. At least his condition was certainly better than Sho’s.  
  
“It’s been a long time since I last saw him. We should go drinking together some time.”  
  
Sho handed the plate to Jun, and watched silently as Jun stirred up the sauce and prepared the spaghetti on a plate. He didn’t deserve this kindness. Sho made a silent promise that he would fix this situation as soon as possible, before it was too late for him to get out.  
  
  
  
  
  
  
“Sho-chan, Sho-chan.”  
  
Sho stopped working on his computer and looked at the door. It was late; all of his employees had gone home, but he stayed behind to work on a few things. Sho rubbed his temple, had Nino occupied his mind too much lately until he suddenly heard his voice out of nowhere?  
  
“Sho-chan, open up!” Nino’s voice was heard again, along with knocking sounds on the door. Sho looked at the door, could it be? He stood up from his chair, only to find Nino standing outside, grinning. He was wet from head to toe. Nino stormed inside. “Fuck. It’s raining cats and dogs out there.”  
  
“Nino,” Sho asked. “Nino, what are you doing here? We don’t have a meeting today.”  
  
“Well, you see, I was playing guitar in the park, looking at the sky, swings, balloons, children fighting with each other while their moms were busy gossiping, you know stuff like that, hoping to get some inspiration for my lyrics.” Nino spoke nonchalantly. He took off his coat as he answered, shivering due to the cold. “But then it started raining!”  
  
Sho turned up the heater’s temperature and searched for an extra towel in the cupboard. Nino wiggled his head; droplets of water fell to the floor. “At first I stayed in front of a café with its roof covering me but then the rain became harder and I was totally wet,” Sho handed him the towel. “Thanks,” Nino murmured before he started drying his hair. “So, I thought I could probably stay here for a while to avoid the lightning outside while warming myself up for free,” he smiled. “I was afraid you had gone home, but thankfully, you’re still here.”  
  
Sho grabbed the back of the armchair in front of him, “Nino, I...”  
  
“Hmm?” Nino stopped his hands’ movements and looked at Sho.  
  
“Nino... no, Ninomiya-san.” Sho gulped.  
  
Nino chuckled, “What’s with that sudden formality? Sho-chan, you look like you’re about to have a heart attack.” Sho indeed felt like he was about to have a heart attack.  
  
He grasped Nino’s shoulder. “Nino, listen...” but he was never able to finish his sentence as Nino positioned his hands around his waist, his lips suddenly landing on his cheek, placing butterfly kisses until he found the corner of Sho’s lips. Sho groaned, and cupped Nino’s face. Nino reached out for Sho’s hand and started kissing his palm, and Sho suddenly forgot what he wanted to talk about. When Nino saw that Sho didn’t reject him, he pulled him closer, and kissed Sho’s jaw line. Sho hugged Nino back, and their lips soon found each other’s again. Nino bit Sho’s lower lip hungrily. “Nino...” Sho mumbled, suddenly trying to stop him. Jun’s face appeared in his mind, but Nino kissed him hard. “Nino... wait...” He tried to move away from him, but tripped on the couch instead, falling flatly on it, taking Nino with him. They automatically broke their kiss, looked into each other’s eyes and laughed. Nino bowed down and tried to kiss him again.  
  
“Is this what you usually do when you stay late at the office?”  
  
Sho pushed Nino away when he heard that voice. _Shit_ , was the first word that came to mind when he saw Jun standing in the hallway, the door jerked open. They must have been too engrossed with their kissing that they didn’t hear Jun’s footsteps in the hall and the sound of the door opening. The thunder suddenly roared, the light flashing through the windows, as if wanting to participate in the situation. Sho was startled to hear it; he had completely forgotten the reason why Nino was here. Sho slowly looked at Jun. He was partly wet, his hand carrying two umbrellas.  
  
No one spoke. Nino looked curiously at Jun while Sho was frozen in his position. The silence was so tensed Sho could almost hear the sounds of water dropping to the floor. However, Jun’s expression was still calm, despite the view in front of his eyes; how Sho had his back in a couch with Nino on top of him, their lips only a few centimeters away.  
  
Nino finally recovered from the shock and stood back up. He offered his hand to help Sho stand, and Jun’s face became tense. Sho panicked, he could feel his heart beating faster. He refused the offer and got up by himself. “Jun...” As he tried to speak, Sho realized how dry his throat felt. What words should he say at this kind of situation? Sho wanted to curse, he knew he could only blame himself for unable to resist Nino.  
  
Jun cracked his knuckles. “We haven’t had time to eat together lately, so I thought we could eat out tonight,” his gaze moved from Sho to Nino and back to Sho, who was sitting with a guilty expression in his face, still unsure of how he should clarify the situation. There was an accusation hidden beneath that gaze, and Sho felt his heart clench when he saw Jun’s disappointment. “Well, because you seem busy, I won’t disturb you anymore.” Jun turned around and started walking down the hallway.  
  
Sho jolted awake. He stood up and ran to chase Jun. “Jun, wait, I can explain...” Although he said that, Sho knew there was no further explanation needed; there was no way he could clarify the situation, not when Jun caught him with his own eyes. He was already proven guilty.  
  
“Don’t follow me, Sho.” Jun’s tone conveyed a firm warning. He kept walking without looking in Sho’s direction.  
  
“Jun,” Sho kept trying to stop him. He knew very well it was his fault, but... “Jun, please hear me out first.” He grabbed his lover’s arm.  
  
“I said, don’t follow me!” Jun shouted. His voice was trembling as he glared furiously at Sho.  
  
Sho bit his lower lip, slowly letting go of the arm which he was holding. He stood quietly as he watched Jun walk down the stairs, taking two steps at a time. Seeing his back, Sho was frightened that he had lost something precious in his life. What if Jun wouldn’t forgive him? He couldn’t blame him if Jun wouldn’t accept him back; he was the one who was at fault after all.  
  
Stupid! Sho took a heavy breath. Stupid! He bumped his head to the wall. “What have I done?” he growled, suddenly feeling as if all of his energy had been drained out, and kneeled on the floor, both hands on the side of his head. “Oh, God, what have I done?” he repeated the question as he ran his hand down his face. He could feel tears in the corner of his eyes, pleading to escape. Sho groaned.  _Crying won’t change anything you fool_ , he scolded himself,  _you’re not a fucking girl_.  
  
When he looked up, he saw Nino leaning against the wall. “Who is he?” he finally spoke.  
  
“We live together,” Sho murmured.  
  
“Is he your boyfriend?”  
  
Sho stayed quiet.  
  
“I see.”  
  
Sho looked down at his shoes, suddenly becoming really interested in his shoelaces. Nino put his hand in his pocket. The situation couldn’t be more awkward.  
  
Outside, the thunder was still roaring. Jun would be wet, Sho noted, and shook his head in disbelief. How could he think about Jun getting wet when he knew the real damage was inside?  
  
“What will you do now?”  
  
“Eh?” Sho looked back at Nino, surprised to hear the question coming from him.  
  
“Well...” Nino played around with his foot, moving it to the left and right. “Are you going to chase him or what?” There was a tiny hint of hopefulness in his voice.  
  
Sho stared at the wall in front of him. What should he do now? “I don’t know,” Sho answered honestly. The white wall didn’t give him any answer. He pulled himself up. “I need some time to think,” as he said it, he started to walk, deliberately pretending that he didn’t know what Nino meant.  
  
“Sho, your studio...” Nino touched his shoulder and Sho pulled away as if he was just touched by a ghost. Seeing Nino’s hurt expression, Sho mumbled, “Sorry. Just...just stay there as long as you want to, and leave the keys in the mailbox.” He refused to see Nino’s face again and ran into the rain. First, he had made Jun disappointed, and now Nino. Damn, he had lost everything, hadn’t he?  
  
  
  
  
  
  
It was raining cats and dogs indeed, Sho thought as he felt water pouring down his body. He stopped running and looked at the sky; one hand covering his eyes. He couldn’t believe that a few weeks ago, everything still went well, and then it suddenly started spiraling into this mess. In his entire life, Sho had always kept himself in control – except for the fact that he was interested in the same sex, he couldn’t control that – but when he loosened his grip a little, everything was ruined. It was so easy to destroy a life. Here he was, standing in the middle of the road during a storm. Sho laughed when he realized how weird he must have looked like, especially because everyone around him was running to their homes or the closest place to stay for a while before the rain stopped.  
  
The cold finally hit him, and he rubbed his arms quickly as he tried to warm himself. Sho turned his head to the left, staring at his reflection in the mirror, only half-surprised when he saw that he was standing in front of the bar which he often visited with Jun. Even when he tried to go nowhere, his feet unconsciously took him back to the place which held his precious memories, his memories with Jun. This bar was also the place where they first went drinking together. Sho closed his eyes, picturing that night.  
  
  
_“Well, Sakurai-san,” Jun said. “You definitely don’t behave the way you look.”  
  
“Hmm? What does that mean?” Sho asked.  
  
“Honestly?” Jun looked at him. When Sho nodded, giving a sign that he could go on, he continued, “You look like a boring scholar who does everything according to the rules.” He made a gesture quoting the word ‘rules.’  
  
Sho snorted. That was always people’s first impression of him. “And now, after you know me better?” He moved closer, curious to hear the answer. Somehow, Jun’s impression of him was important.  
  
Jun rotated his glass playfully before answering, “You’re not boring, not boring at all.” Sho smiled proudly, but Jun quickly added, “Although still a little bit too stiff, but we can fix that.”  
  
Sho pouted and Jun laughed. They looked into each other’s eyes and for a moment there was some kind of unspoken understanding between them.  
  
Sho cleared his throat and they both looked away. “Well, in my opinion, Matsumoto-san, you also don’t act like what your appearance suggests.”  
  
Jun raised his eyebrows, acting surprised. “And what would that be?”  
  
Sho’s hand rubbed his chin, and he pretended to be thinking seriously, “You look like a player.”  
  
Jun burst out laughing, and Sho laughed out loud together with him. When he was finally able to control himself, Jun said quietly, “I can assure you that I’m not a player at all. In fact, I’m really loyal to the people whom I love.”_  
  
  
Sho stopped reminiscing and opened his eyes. Yes, Jun was not a player. During the years they had been together, Jun had been truthfully loyal to him. He had never done anything wrong, yet Sho had betrayed him. He was still the same cool-outside-but-attentive-inside Matsumoto Jun he had fallen for. Sho kicked at the pool of water he was standing in, angry at himself. His gaze went back to the sky, laughed at the irony of how the gloomy sky above mirrored his feelings at that moment. He opened his mouth, drinking the rain which fell hard on his face – as though it also wanted to punish him — tasting the salt in his mouth as another scene from the past entered his mind.  
  
  
_“I’m home.” Sho opened the connecting door which joints his apartment with Jun’s.  
  
“Welcome home,” Jun replied. He was sitting in the pantry, drinking a glass of whiskey, flicking a cigarette with his other hand. Sho took off his coat. “It’s raining real hard outside.”  
  
Jun opened up a drawer and took out a towel while Sho bowed down to take a peek at the glass and lifted up a bottle of Jack Daniel’s which Jun had put down on the floor. “Whiskey? In the middle of the day?”  
  
Jun ordered him to sit and Sho obediently sat in Jun’s previous bar stool so Jun could dry his hair with the towel. “I don’t like to be alone while it rains,” he finally said.  
  
“Eh?” Sho grabbed his hand, stopping him.  
  
“You heard it.” Jun glared, challenging Sho to make him say it again. Sho smiled. He wondered why Jun was so stubbornly keeping his cool image despite knowing that Sho had found out the truth. He pulled Jun’s head down and give him a light peck, “Well, you’re not alone now.”  
  
Jun massaged his shoulders, “I know.”  
  
“You know,” Sho whispered in his ear, teasing him, “when you admit your weakness like this, you are really cute. You should do it more often.”  
  
Jun blushed. “Shut up,” but he was unable to hide his grin._  
  
  
It happened not long after he moved in. Back then when they were still trying to figure out how to settle themselves into the new environment, back when they were still learning about each other.  
  
Sho sighed, “What have I done?” He had ruined everything. How could he forget his love for Jun, how could he throw away his memories with him? He and Jun had walked a long path before they reached here. They were stable now, monotonous perhaps, but it wasn’t always like that. It was not easy at first, opening himself to other people, but he could do it, because it was Jun. Jun, who was always there for him, when he had a fight with his artists, when he had problems with money, when his family closed their door to him when they found out his love for Jun. He had always stayed beside him, supporting him.  
  
When Sho was with Jun, they could sit next to each other for hours without having to say a word, just enjoying the presence of the other. They could understand each other even when they stayed silent. Their relationship didn’t really have many ups and downs, but it wasn't actually lack of anything either. Sho had forgotten that fact because he was so used to it, but he knew he wouldn’t be able to have that kind of understanding with anyone else, including Nino.  
  
Sure, Nino’s mysteriousness indeed had make him feel attracted but when he started to think carefully, he realized he had never felt the same way about Nino as he felt with Jun. With Nino, there were always more and more questions. Nino would never open himself up to other people and Sho wouldn’t stop pestering him, forcing him to say his secrets; Nino would never settle down the way Sho needed him to, and he would slowly became annoyed with Sho’s seriousness. Nino would scowl when Sho was too busy with his jobs. Sho would try to tie him down, and Nino would run away from him. Their relationship wouldn’t last long.  
  
Sho laughed. Sometimes you could only see the matters clearly when you were forced into a dead-end, although the truth had been in-your-face all along. No, he hadn’t ruined everything, he couldn’t afford to lose Jun. Jun was his foundation. Jun was his everything. Sho shivered, it was raining, and Jun was alone at home. He turned and ran without ever looking back.  
  
  
  
  
  
  
Jun sat in the pantry, reading a piece of paper in his right hand with his left hand tapping rhythmically along with the raindrops. A bottle of  _Jack’s_ , a can of  _Pepsi Nex_ , a glass, and an ashtray with cigarettes accompanied him. The rain had almost stopped. He glanced over at the window and saw a clear night sky before looking back at reading the letter.  
  
After he finished reading it for the third time, he reached out for the glass, but suddenly stopped the gesture midway. Jun bit his lower lip, thinking hard before finally decided to stand up and open the apartment’s front door. “Get in.”  
  
Sho was sitting in the alley, trembling. He hesitated for a while before stepping into the room. He was soaking wet from head to toe, and he created a pool of water on the floor – something he knew Jun hated the most. If this were a normal day, Jun would surely scold him. But this was not a normal day. Sho’s gaze drifted from the whiskey bottle to the cigarette in Jun’s hand. Jun’s ritual during storms.  
  
Jun sat back on his bar stool. He showed no sign to acknowledge his presence, but poured more whiskey into his glass instead. Sho stood awkwardly. Was he supposed to stay silent, or sit next to Jun? Was he allowed to come in because Jun wanted him to pack his belongings or because he had forgiven him? All of a sudden – while Sho was still absorbed in his thoughts, – Jun slid the letter across the countertop.  
  
“Read it.”  
  
“Eh?”  
  
“You heard me. Read it aloud.” He still refused to look at Sho.  
  
Sho closed his eyes. He had chosen to write it because he was too embarrassed to say it in front of Jun, but now Jun had asked – ordered to be exact – him to say it out loud.  
  
“Well?” Jun asked. “You have the guts to press the bell and slip it underneath the door; surely you are brave enough to read it too.” Sho looked up, trying to protest, but Jun was still playing with his glass, moving it around, suddenly amazed by the color of the liquor. “Or would you prefer to sit outside for days?”  
  
Sho shook his head. Jun shifted his gaze to the connecting door, “Of course we have the option to block the wall...”  
  
Sho took a big gulp. He realized Jun was serious; he could be cruel if he wanted to. Moreover, it was useless to argue with him since Sho, of all people, knew how stubborn Jun was. Sho took a deep breath, and prepared himself. He had to do it. He cleared his throat and start reading the letter he'd written hurriedly earlier.  
  
“Jun. I know what I did was terrible. I’m not supposed to betray you like that,” Sho’s voice was shaking; his heart was beating faster. Their life together was at stake here, and he couldn’t afford to lose Jun. No, not because of this. “I know what I did was foolish. I know that asking for your forgiveness only shows how selfish I am, but I don’t care because I don’t want to lose you,” he paused to steal a glance at Jun’s reaction, but Jun’s face was blank.  
  
“I still love you, Jun...” Sho carefully uttered his feelings. “When I am with you, I know that I’m safe; I know that I’m at the place where I belong. I know with cheating on you, it seemed like contradicting my own words, but what I did was a mistake. I can’t deny that I’m interested in him, but please trust me when I say there’s nothing between me and him except lust; that what happened between us was nothing like I had with you.”  
  
Jun took another sip of his whiskey, he moved around in his stool, crossing his legs uncomfortably. Sho held the paper with both hands, reading more passionately. “My mistake was that I was trying to replace you with him. I miss you. We are both so busy lately we barely have time to talk to each other. Still, I’m too proud to admit that I miss you. I’m too proud to ask you to stay at home more often. I feel incomplete without you, and I was trying to fill the hole with him, and it didn’t work out. It will never work out unless it’s you.”  
  
Sho paused for a while before continue reading “When I saw your back, I knew I still loved you and that I didn’t want to lose you.” Please, please, oh God, please let Jun forgive me. “You can punish me later as you wish, but Jun...I believe you’re the only one who can make me happy,” Sho closed his eyes “And if you are willing to take me back, I promise I will try my best to make you happy.”  
  
Sho took a peek and stared at Jun’s back. He had never noticed how cold it was to be on Jun’s other side. He dropped the letter, and watched as it slowly falling to the floor. “I’m sorry, Jun. I’m so sorry. Will you take me back?”  
  
Now he had done everything he could. It’s all up to Jun whether to accept him back or not. Sho could only hope that Jun’s love for him was enough to make him forgive his mistake.  
  
“How far?” Jun finally spoke up.  
  
“W-what?”  
  
Jun sighed. “How far have you gone with that guy?”  
  
Sho began to feel hope swelling up in his chest. “Only kissing, I swear!”  
  
Jun didn’t say anything for what felt like forever to Sho before he finally opened his mouth, “Don’t you ever dare do that again.”  
  
Sho was dumbfounded. What? Did that mean Jun forgave him? He could felt tears running down his cheeks, tears he had been holding back ever since Jun caught him together with Nino. But they were tears of happiness, not of sadness.  
  
He shifted forward, almost falling on the slippery floor. He wanted to touch Jun, fast. He embraced him from behind, kissing everything he could reach, his neck, his ear, his forehead. “I won’t. Thank you, Jun, thank you.”  
  
Jun held the arms which hugged him tight. “What will you do with that guy?”  
  
Sho had thought about this matter carefully before. He couldn’t be Nino’s producer again, that was for sure, but Nino’s talent couldn’t be wasted this way. It would be a shame if he didn’t become an artist. He knew Nino was destined to become big, with or without him. He had hurt Nino’s feelings as well, he should try to apologize. “Don’t worry, I’ve thought it over. I will ask Aiba-kun’s help.” He comforted Jun.  
  
Jun seemed to be quite satisfied with that idea; he nodded his chin to the confession letter – which was left on the floor when Sho ran to hug him. Thankfully it didn’t land in a puddle of water. “We should frame that letter and find a place to hang it, as a reminder of your promise.”  
  
Sho laughed, he had never felt this happy in his entire life. He would gladly do anything Jun asked him to. But Sho also had another proposal. He leaned down and whispered it in Jun’s ear, “Perhaps we could re-decorate the apartment as well.”  
  
“Eh?” Jun turned his head to face him. “What do you mean?”  
  
“I think it’s time to move on from these joined, yet separate apartments, don’t you think so?”  
  
Jun smiled. “I think I can handle that.”


End file.
